Emotional Eating

Here's the deal--for the last week (okay forever, but more so this week), I have been an emotional wreck. A complete train wreck. Not even a hot mess as anyone who has ever seen me crying can attest to. My anxiety has been at an all time high, and my self esteem at an all time low. Now naturally, when things like my life and emotions are out of control, I usually turn to the one thing I'm really good at controlling. And that is my food. This week was the hardest weeks I've had in a long long time. Heart ache will do that to you huh ladies? (and fellas!). Anyways this week though something weird happened to me that hasn't really happened before except for the first time I had my heart broken.

Short story- The first time I had my heart broken, I was 17. I got cheated on and I thought I was going to literally die. This broken heart made me lose my appetite for a solid 4 days. I just didn't eat for four days and whatever I tried to eat I threw up (INVOLUNTARILY I might add) because I was just all kinds of messed up. Long story short: My appetite came back, but I really liked the way that I looked after not eating for four days, and this is where my eating disorder flourished into my best friend and my worst enemy. It was a perfect distraction. I didn't have to feel my feelings. All I had to do was focus on food, or how to get rid of it. (That seriously, obviously, came back to bite me in the ass...So much money on therapy and treatment...so many ruined relationships and friendships...I can't even...what were we talking about? I'm not emotional or anything...)

This ties in to my week because this week, I completely lost my appetite. Naturally, I flipped out. All I could was sit in front of the food I knew I was supposed to be eating, and cry. Seriously. It was not cute. I've been able to take a maximum of 7 bites per 'meal' this week. The difference this time is that I WANT my appetite to come back. I WANT to eat. And that is what makes me different 4 1/2 years later. And that is exciting to me. Sure, I feel skinnier, but I also feel weaker. And I know any weight I have lost, is just water weight.

OMFG WAT

So other than this week, I, like I'm sure a lot of you, emotionally OVER eat. What is more comforting when you're lonely than an entire roll of Oreos? God that sounds good right now. But do you know what doesn't sound good? Is the feeling you get as soon as you finish that last Oreo. Not only are you still lonely, possibly lonelier, but now, you're uncomfortably full and sick to your stomach. Having said that, over eating sometimes is OKAY! Your body can handle it :) We have to be realistic, you're not NEVER going to emotionally over eat. It happens. If you're not TRULY hungry though (which you may be! Make sure to mentally check what you have eaten so far that day. If you are under your daily calories, you're probably ACTUALLY hungry and need to eat a proper meal or snack!) here are some things to turn to, other than food :)

Again, I can't stress this enough, remember that these coping tips aren’t meant to be distractions from a hungry stomach or when you GENUINELY want to taste the yummy goodness of a piece of cake, a bowl of pasta or whatever. These are helpful to use when you’re clearly in need of something beyond food.

• Call a friend.
• If you live with loved ones, ask them for a hug! Cheesy, but you'd be amazed at the super powers of a good hug.
• Listen to soothing music, not sad. There is a difference between soothing and sad.
• Write in your journal. The physical act of writing is a HUGE stress release.
• Read a favorite book. 
• Skype with a friend (I miss you Lauren!).
• Put on your sweats and curl up on the couch.
• Watch a favorite TV show.
• Watch or read something funny.
• Meditate. (If you meditate or do yoga, god bless you. I can't sit still for that long and I am so jealous of you)
• Take a bath or shower.
• Take deep breaths.
• Just sit with your emotions, and FEEL them.
• Pray if you pray.
• GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! Go to the park, gym, store, beach or just get in the car and drive.
• Have a good cry. We all need one. I've taken my fair share this week. If I'm being honest, about two a day at least. Yikes.

& best of all......

• READ THIS BLOG!

:) I had to. I mean it calms me down to write it so hopefully you guys get a giggle or two but  more so, I hope you guys are learning and growing with me.

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Unconditional Love

(n)  Definition:  affection with no limits or conditions; complete love.

I'm back from Texas ya'll!

Maiya and me in our room!

I had a very interesting trip. It was really fun but vacations are tricky for me. Being in recovery is hardest when I'm out of my comfort zone. Like, being away from my Greek yogurt, Whole Foods salad bar, Zone bars? CRINGE. I try really hard to let myself go, because it's usually only for a week, but sweet Jesus it's the hardest part of my recovery right now. My day here on the home front usually goes something like this:
-Breakfast
-Starbucks
-Gym
-Snack
etc. etc. etc.

My week in Texas looked something like this:
-Food
-Food
-Food
-Alcohol
-Food
-Alcohol
-Food
-Alcohol
-Alcohol

Welcome to Hangover City! Population: 1

Needless to say, when I got home, I flipped out a little bit. I am still IN recovery, not RECOVERED, so I am allowed to freak out. I'm only a human after all. Immediately, the eating disorder thoughts come a-rushin' back. Convinced I have gained at least 20 pounds, (can't be sure because I was ordered to throw out my scale), I sit and bawl like a child who just got crapped on in the ball pit at McDonalds.

The next morning, I rub my eyes, and see my tattoo. Now, I've had that tattoo for almost two years now, I look at it every day. But this particular morning, I looked at it and remembered why I got it.

The symbols mean 'Unconditional Love for yourself" in Hebrew. I got it two years ago when I tried (unsuccessfully) to recover...again. To remind myself that I deserve love, no matter what. No matter my weight, if my face is broken out, if I made a mistake, if I lied, if I pigged out, SO WHAT. This is the only body I have. That morning I knew I was at a pivotal moment in my recovery journey. I was either going to push through all the discomfort, all the awful thoughts, and be healthy, OR I was going to starve myself that day and probably the rest of the week, only drinking lemon water.

As of today (three days later), I have opted to push through and continue to recover. There are just so many things that I want to do that I can't with my eating disorder. I am proud of myself.

This isn't very much of an advisory post, I know. But my best friend in the entire world left today for Spain for 6 months and I am emotionally distraught and really should probably be writing about emotional eating. ANYWAYS I will touch a little more on the scale/weighing yourself thing. It always was astounding to me (and I know EVERYONE can relate to this) how I could wake up, look in the  mirror, and think I look so skinny so I decide to weigh myself, step on the scale, and it reads higher than normal. WHAT. All of a sudden, I step off the scale, look in the mirror, and suddenly, I am fat. BOOM. I gained weight in 2.7 seconds. Astounding. I should be in the Guinness Book of World Records. And now, my whole day is obviously ruined.

 One of the most important, beautiful, freeing, days of my life so far is the day I decided I will no longer weigh myself. This was a process. As my therapist loves to say, I was "married" to my scale. And it was a messy, slow, emotional, divorce. You know what thought? I have never EVER been happier. Sure, I get weird looks when I go to the doctor and ask to please be weighed backwards (and for the love of God please do not announce my weight), but so what? When you think about it, letting a stupid number dictate your life is absurd! After all, you are probably the ONLY person who is ever going to see it.

The scale will NOT tell you the following:
-What a great person you are
-How much your family and friends love you
-That you can make a stranger melt with your beautiful smile
-You are special

Words of wisdom from my therapist: "When you go to weigh yourself, you're really never going to be happy. If it's higher than you think, you will let it ruin your day. If it's the same as normal, you will be upset it's not lower, and you will let it ruin your day. If it's lower than normal, you will want it to be even lower, and you will let it ruin your day."

Have a good day, don't weigh yourself. Love yourself. Love your body. Wether you like it or not, it's the only one you will ever have.

You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. 
-Buddha 

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