Unconditional Love

(n)  Definition:  affection with no limits or conditions; complete love.

I'm back from Texas ya'll!

Maiya and me in our room!

I had a very interesting trip. It was really fun but vacations are tricky for me. Being in recovery is hardest when I'm out of my comfort zone. Like, being away from my Greek yogurt, Whole Foods salad bar, Zone bars? CRINGE. I try really hard to let myself go, because it's usually only for a week, but sweet Jesus it's the hardest part of my recovery right now. My day here on the home front usually goes something like this:
-Breakfast
-Starbucks
-Gym
-Snack
etc. etc. etc.

My week in Texas looked something like this:
-Food
-Food
-Food
-Alcohol
-Food
-Alcohol
-Food
-Alcohol
-Alcohol

Welcome to Hangover City! Population: 1

Needless to say, when I got home, I flipped out a little bit. I am still IN recovery, not RECOVERED, so I am allowed to freak out. I'm only a human after all. Immediately, the eating disorder thoughts come a-rushin' back. Convinced I have gained at least 20 pounds, (can't be sure because I was ordered to throw out my scale), I sit and bawl like a child who just got crapped on in the ball pit at McDonalds.

The next morning, I rub my eyes, and see my tattoo. Now, I've had that tattoo for almost two years now, I look at it every day. But this particular morning, I looked at it and remembered why I got it.

The symbols mean 'Unconditional Love for yourself" in Hebrew. I got it two years ago when I tried (unsuccessfully) to recover...again. To remind myself that I deserve love, no matter what. No matter my weight, if my face is broken out, if I made a mistake, if I lied, if I pigged out, SO WHAT. This is the only body I have. That morning I knew I was at a pivotal moment in my recovery journey. I was either going to push through all the discomfort, all the awful thoughts, and be healthy, OR I was going to starve myself that day and probably the rest of the week, only drinking lemon water.

As of today (three days later), I have opted to push through and continue to recover. There are just so many things that I want to do that I can't with my eating disorder. I am proud of myself.

This isn't very much of an advisory post, I know. But my best friend in the entire world left today for Spain for 6 months and I am emotionally distraught and really should probably be writing about emotional eating. ANYWAYS I will touch a little more on the scale/weighing yourself thing. It always was astounding to me (and I know EVERYONE can relate to this) how I could wake up, look in the  mirror, and think I look so skinny so I decide to weigh myself, step on the scale, and it reads higher than normal. WHAT. All of a sudden, I step off the scale, look in the mirror, and suddenly, I am fat. BOOM. I gained weight in 2.7 seconds. Astounding. I should be in the Guinness Book of World Records. And now, my whole day is obviously ruined.

 One of the most important, beautiful, freeing, days of my life so far is the day I decided I will no longer weigh myself. This was a process. As my therapist loves to say, I was "married" to my scale. And it was a messy, slow, emotional, divorce. You know what thought? I have never EVER been happier. Sure, I get weird looks when I go to the doctor and ask to please be weighed backwards (and for the love of God please do not announce my weight), but so what? When you think about it, letting a stupid number dictate your life is absurd! After all, you are probably the ONLY person who is ever going to see it.

The scale will NOT tell you the following:
-What a great person you are
-How much your family and friends love you
-That you can make a stranger melt with your beautiful smile
-You are special

Words of wisdom from my therapist: "When you go to weigh yourself, you're really never going to be happy. If it's higher than you think, you will let it ruin your day. If it's the same as normal, you will be upset it's not lower, and you will let it ruin your day. If it's lower than normal, you will want it to be even lower, and you will let it ruin your day."

Have a good day, don't weigh yourself. Love yourself. Love your body. Wether you like it or not, it's the only one you will ever have.

You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. 
-Buddha 

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What "Calories in vs Calories out" Actually Means

...Because what you think it means is most likely wrong. Which is cool because I was wrong once and it was terrible. So let's talk about BMR. BMR= Basal Metabolic Rate. Basically what that means is that your body burns a certain amount of calories all by itself. Your body burns calories throughout the day in order to preform necessary bodily functions. Everything from standing up, breathing, to your heart pumping blood through your body, burns calories. Your BMR tells you the number of calories you burn to live through the day. This number can help you figure out your total net calories and know how much you should be eating to lose/maintain/gain weight.

To be honest, this is what I thought: I thought if I went to the gym and burned 600 calories on the elliptical, then I had to eat 600 calories to maintain my weight, and under than to lose. Long story short: That was wrong and I seriously messed up my metabolism. The amount of calories I should have been eating was my BMR + the 600 calories I burned to maintain, or my BMR + the 600 I burned - like 100 to lose weight.

So how do you figure out your BMR? Well, there's an online calculator but I am not super fond of that one because it doesn't take your activity level into account. Also, I like doing things like this myself, it makes me feel mega-smart and uber-cool

The formula is: 655 + (4.35 x weight in pounds) + (4.7 x height in inches) - (4.7 x age in years)

So here's mine (because it helps me to see so maybe it'll help you, if not, ignore this):

655 + (4.35 x 125lbs) + (4.7 x 63 inches) - (4.7 x 21 years)
655 + (543.75) + (296.1) - (98.7)
BMR= 1,396.15 calories

I even showed my work. My high school math teacher would be proud.

Now let's factor in activity level. Multiply your BMR by:
1.2 = sedentary
1.375 = lightly active
1.55 = moderately active
1.725 = very active
1.9 = extremely active

So my true BMR is 1,396.15 x 1.55 (moderately active) = 2,164 calories.

So in order to maintain  my weight (which you all know now is 125 lbs. So many secrets I'm sharing. If you're reading this we're basically BFF now since you know that), I need to eat around 2,000 calories a day. To lose weight, you need to eat 300 to 500 calories less than your BMR.

Yes Kitty, you CAN haz cheezburger.


NO MORE THAN 500 CALORIES UNDER. Why you ask? I will tell you. (Look Mom, me having an 'answer for everything' actually IS getting me ahead in life!)

If you eat more than 500 calories under your BMR, your body will actually do the opposite of losing fat. Meaning it will gain fat. Will you lose weight? Probably. But as you learned in my previous post, losing weight and losing fat are two different things. Eating more than 500 calories under your BMR causes your body to go into starvation mode. Your body needs calories, and if you don't give them to it, it's going to get them from somewhere else. It's going to get them from the most potent energy source in your body, which is your muscle, not your fat. Bummer. So if your body is in starvation mode, you will lose muscle and gain body fat. Even if you're lifting weights. You are lifting weights, gaining muscle, and losing it right away because your body needs it. You may not look fat, but believe you me, your body fat percentage has gone up. Ever hear of a girl being "skinny fat"? This is why.

Not to mention, being in starvation mode causes:
-bad breath
-hair loss
-feeling weak
-depression
-mood swings
-low immune system
-and basically just being a total raving bitch (trust me, my family knows that one first hand)

So, this holiday season, eat anything you want and don't beat yourself up over it. You deserve it. You need it. Your body deserves it. Your body needs it. Strong is sexy. Happy Holidays everyone! x

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Oh For the Love of Carbs

 I guarantee you that there are at least two reactions to reading that word- "Omg YES. Where?!" & "Omg get them away from me now they make you fat". 

I will be the first to say, carbs scare the living hell out of me. And in my quest to body acceptance, I am finding out I am not the only one. In fact, there are very, VERY, few people that I have met that can honestly say they have no qualms with carbohydrates. And yes, they are all boys. 

When I first started seeing my dietician, Brooke, (who is the most awesome, patient, understanding, adorable human being I know, with a seriously enviable wardrobe), she asked me what my day looked like in terms of food. I told her and she asked me if I was eating no carbohydrates on purpose. "Um, duh. Carbs make you fat." Obviously I was the all knowing, all seeing, Goddess of Carbs. Then she asked me, 

"How many carbs do you think you should be eating in a day?" 

"Uhhhh, should? I don't know. 70-100?"

"300".

300. 3-0-0. THREE HUNDRED YOU GUYS. THREE HUNDRED CARBOHYDRATES PER DAY. 

I didn't believe her. So I made her explain the logic and science behind that. In a way that even I could understand. So if I can understand it, so can you. Here it goes:

60 percent of your calories per day should be from carbs. I will tell you why in a minute. There are 4 calories per 1 gram of carbs. So, let's say you are eating 1,600 calories per day (don't eat less than that, seriously.) 1,600 calories x .60 (the 60%) = 960. Now, 960 divided by the 4 calories per gram of carb= 240 carbohydrates per day.

Okay so the 300 was based on 2,000 calories but you guys get the gist. 

REJOICE THAT IS SO MANY YUMMY CARBS!

So why are we so afraid? Carbs are fuel. Nothing more, nothing less. We put WAY too much stock in what the media tells us (I'm lookin' at you Atkins Diet!).  They provide the body with fuel it needs for physical activity and for proper organ function. If you restrict your intake of carbs, you will overeat them eventually. I promise. 

So, why are low-carb/no-carb diets SO appealing? Because you lose weight and you lose it fast. There is no denying that. Spoiler alert though: It is physically impossible to lose 10 pounds of fat that fast. So what are you losing? WATER. Carbo-HYDRATE. AH HA! Why do you lose weight so quick on a no carb diet? Because each carbohydrate molecule is attached to a water molecule. Lose carbs, lose water. Boom. Guess what happens as soon as you put a carb in your body? All the weight comes back! Imagine that. You are not gaining fat, just like you didn't lose fat, your body is simply rehydrating itself. When I reintroduced carbs to my diet, I put on 15 pounds. In three months. Yiiiiiiiiikes. And every week, through my hysteric sobs, Brooke would remind me, "Your insides are rehydrating. Your organs are swelling back up to their normal size, your blood in thickening. You are gaining weight, not fat". 

Research shows that the majority of people lose the same amount of weight whether they follow a carb-based or low-carb diet. This is because the main cause of weight-gain are calories: eating more calories than you burn will result in weight-gain, and vice versa. You could eat 4 Snickers bars a day or 5-6 healthy meals and lose weight either way. Calories in VS. Calories out. Period.

Another one of Brooke's favorite things to tell me is, "A carb is a carb is a carb." Are there 'good carbs' and 'bad carbs'? Ehhh sort of. There are simple and complex. Simple carbohydrates (candy, sugar, white rice, white bread, white pasta, etc) are not 'bad'. Bad is Lord Voldermort. Bad is not a slice of Wonder Bread. Wonder Bread did not kill Harry Potter's whole family and cause havoc on the wizzarding world. I'm just saying. Anyways, simple carbs spike your blood sugar faster than complex ones (whole grains, beans, starchy vegetables, brown rice, whole wheat pasta). This leads to a quicker energy peak, and a quicker come down, which is turn, makes you hungry sooner. Your body has to work harder to digest the complex carbs, thus, keeping you fuller longer. About 2-3 hours. Seriously, that's the difference. So if you like white rice better than brown, eat the damn white rice. Because it will do the same exact thing in your body. Pinky promise.

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